Blanket Content Warning: This blog may include mentions, descriptions, or other media with information involving menstruation, pregnancy, sexuality, breast care, abortion, and anything else generally considered relevant to inhabiting an assigned-female body, but centering a genderqueer trans male experience.

In addition, please make sure you read the disclaimer at the top of the site policies page which has important information about how health information on this site should be used.

Tuesday, August 21, 2018

Anxiety and Top Surgery Update

I haven't updated in a while, not because nothing has happened, but because I have had some anxiety issues over the past couple months.  I'm kind of missing that honeymoon period after giving up testosterone where everything felt fantastic (although I assume I'd probably feel worse if I was still on it, as every anxiety was higher on testosterone for me).

I've gotten a couple comments from folks who found me on Twitter (I had to edit this because I forgot I even put my Twitter account in my bio, ha!).  Soooo you finally get an update.

I haven't scheduled top surgery yet, because I got my letter much later than I expected and my insurance appeal hasn't come back yet.  I've been antsy waiting for it, but it's not that late and from talking to my friend who went to the same surgeon, he was able to schedule something very soon after getting the prior authorization.

I have definitely decided on getting the nipple sparing surgery after thinking a lot about it.  I vlogged about it on my YouTube channel (if I remember right), but as soon as I thought I'd committed to getting no nipples I had what I call NIPPLE PANIC!  Basically my nipples started feeling... not pain, but I was hyper aware of their existence, like they were rebelling and telling me "don't you dare murder us."  It kept me up at night for a few days and I realized that the threat of possibly getting a chest that is less flat than I want (which can be fixed through revision or, if I'm really unhappy, another surgery) is much less dire than the threat of losing something I absolutely won't be able to get back.

I also have yet to see a radical reduction/nipple sparing surgery that I would consider "botched" if it were on me.  I looked at a lot of these, and in addition to the fact that I don't actually think they look bad at all on the bodies they're on (it's obviously up to them to decide if they like the results or not; I happen to think they look great) I'm much larger than they are.  I already pass topless because I'm fat and my boobs just look like man boobs.  So I'm committed to the sparing surgery.

I have been having a weird skin issue that I strongly suspect is due to hormone issues common to an estrogen-dominant body.  I don't want to talk about it yet because I don't know enough about it (This Is Not Medical Advice and the like), but it appears to be largely a cosmetic issue that's going away.

Anyway, my anxiety ramping up of course made me think "is this going off hormones?!"  My impression is that it isn't, it's external-factor stuff.  I'm anxious because I really want to  schedule top surgery... once that happens I think a huge chunk of the anxiety will fade away.

The rest of the anxiety is all financially related; my workplace just had a major shift and my paychecks are fucked up for a while (I make the same amount of money but I get paid at different times, so the dutiful job I've done the past two years making sure my major bills fall right after I get paid is basically for nothing and I'm having to scramble to make ends meet (I'll be fine, but if you're not struggling and get something from this blog or my vlog I would appreciate tips in the tip jar).