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Wednesday, May 2, 2018

I Changed My Mind: I'm Probably Getting Top Surgery

Content note that this essay has mentions of self harm and surgery.

A couple months over a year ago I wrote and filmed that I do not bind and am not getting top surgery.  In it I explained that because I have dermatillomania (obsessive skin picking) I believed I had a high chance of winding up with one of those horror story top surgeries.  The skin picking has actually subsided a great deal since then due to lowered anxiety and better skin care.  But I'm getting ahead of myself.

There's a new product on the market called Transtape that I decided to try out because I wanted the opportunity to go outside in my backyard without a shirt on and I figured it was enough for the distance people would be seeing me at (considering both my roommates know).  I haven't gotten it yet (they are wildly popular right now so I don't blame them for the holdup) but I was doing some deep thinking regarding why I felt that I needed that product.

When I started this blog I was going through a particularly fem phase... kind of.  I was trying to actively add more fem expression (lots of purple and pink, gemstone earrings, etc.) and... do I like that sometimes?  Sure, there's a lot of fluidity in my expression.  But most of the time I'm a beardy hunter camo and plaid wearing type fellow, pretty masculine.  And lately I'm feeling more so... like dramatically more so.

I'm starting to think that my attempt to wear more fem stuff more often (and to stop trying for top surgery) was almost I guess a social effect of going off hormones.  I don't know if I expected estrogen to make me feel more fem or if it was me subconsciously trying to buck the system or if it was just that natural fluidity ebbing and flowing like normal, but it's passed for now.  And once it passed, I started getting more and more self conscious about my chest again.

Like, I can look in the mirror naked or give myself a self breast exam or have sex and I'm fine, but walking around mixed company I find myself more and more often starting to hunch over because I feel eyes on me... even though they probably aren't really looking at me.

A more consistent issue I have, though, is that since I'm starting to feel more masculine again, I'm getting envious of the ability to wear certain clothes and dress certain ways.  Pagan Spirit Gathering kind of fucks with me in a way because I'm able to go around topless and get that feeling, but would attract more attention and possibly attempts at legal interaction if I walk around topless at a lake or a waterpark.  Outside of social concerns, I want the ability to wear things more comfortably that aren't shaped for my body... men's tank tops, bondage harnesses, thinner fabrics, and so forth.

Will I change my mind again?  I don't really think so, considering it was only about a year out of over twelve that I didn't want top surgery, and the year I didn't I was more ambivalent than averse to it.

Anyway, I started a top surgery fund (my girlfriend mistakenly thought I meant a GoFundMe; GoFundMes for top surgery very rarely make any money and do nothing but stress people out... I'm just talking about a dedicated bank account!).  I'll be putting my extra money in there and really buckling down to afford it, because I have I guess more of a sense of urgency than I had before.  If you want to kick a couple dollars into that fund, feel free to use the Cash.Me link in the sidebar (cashtag $Setkheniitw) but obviously, no pressure.

Happy trails,
-- Jackson