Blanket Content Warning: This blog may include mentions, descriptions, or other media with information involving menstruation, pregnancy, sexuality, breast care, abortion, and anything else generally considered relevant to inhabiting an assigned-female body, but centering a genderqueer trans male experience.

In addition, please make sure you read the disclaimer at the top of the site policies page which has important information about how health information on this site should be used.

Saturday, November 3, 2018

November 26th... That's The Date!

Each ring represents a day until
top surgery; I tear one off each morning.
This is a top surgery update, but I wanted to address something that I noted in my last post.  I said I had a weird skin issue I assumed was due to hormones, but didn't give any detail.  It was actually a patch of darker skin (it looked like dirt but wouldn't wash off), which happened right after a weird hot flash, and... it did go away.  I put coconut oil on it.  I still don't know quite what it was.  It hasn't come back since, and I forgot until I re-read my last post that it even happened!

But here's a good update:  My top surgery is scheduled!  It was a real fucking mess dealing with my insurance, which didn't actually notice there was new documentation in the appeal the surgeon's office put in, then they decided the new request was a "duplicate" and closed it, and it was just an immense clusterfuck.  After pestering them and having the surgeon's office pester them I got a letter saying that they were authorizing the surgery, but then neglected to actually tell the surgeon's office despite my letter saying it was CCed to them.  I let the surgery center know, they called me back, and I got my date:  November 26th.

This was, by the way, my absolute perfect date.  When I was thinking about what date I'd aim for, I was trying to consider whether I wanted to sacrifice deer hunting (which comes but once a year and is an important event for me) or working Christmas (which would land me a huge paycheck).  There was only one date where I felt I could do both... and that was November 26th.  So I'll be going under the knife the day after a day in the woods, it appears, and when I get back to work it'll be on Christmas day.


See, after getting the insurance authorization and the date there was one more hurdle:  Short term disability.  I looked at the policy which said cosmetic surgeries did not qualify for short term disability "except for certain medically necessary ones," which I assumed was a euphemism although I found no trans-specific verbiage.  I put in the request anyway and had to muddle through everything because there wasn't an explicit option for "surgery" (It was either "injury" or "illness."  I regrettably picked "illness" because the questions in "injury" didn't fit.).

Then I flat out said in my form that it was for a gender transition surgery and sent faxes to the doctor to get that documentation in.  They accepted it right away, although they're only giving me two weeks.

I have a very sedentary job, but according to most of the folks I've talked to I'll probably still be super tired at three weeks.  My boss had already planned for four weeks, so when I told him this he said he's still going to plan for four weeks and then if I come back at two, great, or if I need reduced hours, I'll be accommodated.  He was concerned at the idea of me being gone longer than two weeks and not getting paid, but I think if I do need more time I'll just need to send documentation to disability insurance to extend the leave.  My roommate will also help me if need be.

(I probably mentioned this before at some point, but it's fairly easy when doing a background check on me to figure out that I am trans, and my boss's reaction when I said I was having surgery but didn't immediately say what it was for suggested that he probably knows what it's for already.).

All this complete I started acquiring the last of the things I'll need for recovery.  I have a husband pillow, a neck pillow, slippers that look good enough to wear outside if I need to go out, silicone bendy straws, dry shampoo, a bromelain supplement to help with swelling, CBD oil for pain and general well-being, a soil probiotic to recover after the antibiotics, and medical silicone tape to reduce scarring.  I already had appropriate clothes (I wear button-down woven shirts at work and they're too big for me to make up for not binding and I have a lot of pajama pants).  I'll get laxatives later on (anesthesia makes your gut sluggish so there are problems with constipation).  I might need a post-surgical binder... I can't really find any I like that aren't really expensive, so I think I'll wait until the surgery, see what I get from the surgeon, and then get one of the expensive ones if I think I need it.

I started a mealplan with meals my girlfriend can cook when she's up here to care for me, as well as a list of movies to subject her to.

A lot of my anxiety is gone now that I have a concrete date, but there's also a lot of shitty stuff going on in the world that makes it feel like it's further away than it is (it's less than a month, it's really soon!) so I stole an idea from Transgeneration and made a paper chain calendar to give me a more visual understanding of how close it is.  Each day I tear off a link and put it on my shrine; when it's all gone maybe I'll burn it or something, but the chain shrinks so rapidly and the pile of links grows so quickly that it's helping keep my mind off how stagnant and anxiety-riddled the rest of my life is.

Anyway, that's my update now.

Happy trails,
-- Setkheni

Tuesday, August 21, 2018

Anxiety and Top Surgery Update

I haven't updated in a while, not because nothing has happened, but because I have had some anxiety issues over the past couple months.  I'm kind of missing that honeymoon period after giving up testosterone where everything felt fantastic (although I assume I'd probably feel worse if I was still on it, as every anxiety was higher on testosterone for me).

I've gotten a couple comments from folks who found me on Twitter (I had to edit this because I forgot I even put my Twitter account in my bio, ha!).  Soooo you finally get an update.

I haven't scheduled top surgery yet, because I got my letter much later than I expected and my insurance appeal hasn't come back yet.  I've been antsy waiting for it, but it's not that late and from talking to my friend who went to the same surgeon, he was able to schedule something very soon after getting the prior authorization.

I have definitely decided on getting the nipple sparing surgery after thinking a lot about it.  I vlogged about it on my YouTube channel (if I remember right), but as soon as I thought I'd committed to getting no nipples I had what I call NIPPLE PANIC!  Basically my nipples started feeling... not pain, but I was hyper aware of their existence, like they were rebelling and telling me "don't you dare murder us."  It kept me up at night for a few days and I realized that the threat of possibly getting a chest that is less flat than I want (which can be fixed through revision or, if I'm really unhappy, another surgery) is much less dire than the threat of losing something I absolutely won't be able to get back.

I also have yet to see a radical reduction/nipple sparing surgery that I would consider "botched" if it were on me.  I looked at a lot of these, and in addition to the fact that I don't actually think they look bad at all on the bodies they're on (it's obviously up to them to decide if they like the results or not; I happen to think they look great) I'm much larger than they are.  I already pass topless because I'm fat and my boobs just look like man boobs.  So I'm committed to the sparing surgery.

I have been having a weird skin issue that I strongly suspect is due to hormone issues common to an estrogen-dominant body.  I don't want to talk about it yet because I don't know enough about it (This Is Not Medical Advice and the like), but it appears to be largely a cosmetic issue that's going away.

Anyway, my anxiety ramping up of course made me think "is this going off hormones?!"  My impression is that it isn't, it's external-factor stuff.  I'm anxious because I really want to  schedule top surgery... once that happens I think a huge chunk of the anxiety will fade away.

The rest of the anxiety is all financially related; my workplace just had a major shift and my paychecks are fucked up for a while (I make the same amount of money but I get paid at different times, so the dutiful job I've done the past two years making sure my major bills fall right after I get paid is basically for nothing and I'm having to scramble to make ends meet (I'll be fine, but if you're not struggling and get something from this blog or my vlog I would appreciate tips in the tip jar).

Friday, June 29, 2018

Therapy and PSG

Last week (the week of the solstice) I went to Pagan Spirit Gathering, probably my favorite week of the year, and it dawned on me why I was confused into thinking I might not need top surgery:  That environment really tricks me in a way.  This isn't uncommon.  PSG and other Pagan festivals tend to change people's emotions in such a way that it's not rare for people to do things like stop medications during it (for better or for worse) thinking they've been "cured."  It is, after all, one of the instigators of my going off testosterone.

As far as my chest goes, PSG is a flurry of external and internal pressures... there is the pressure of wanting to live a natural lifestyle, only getting those surgeries I really need, with the perplexing external pressure of being somewhere clothing optional where by some miracle I actually still pass.  For all the jawing from truscum about how going off testosterone has changed me to the point where "everyone can tell," very few people actually can tell.  Even when I'm not wearing a shirt.  They just think I'm a cis man who is particularly fat and it doesn't occur to them they're not just average man boobs.

Case in point:  My girlfriend was literally asked by a guy why, when I kept going to the port-a-potty while drinking a little too much alcohol, I didn't just whip my dick out and piss in the woods.  That happened.

Anyway, it dawned on me that a huge part of my insecurity isn't really my breasts so much as the results of having them.  This includes things like clothing fit; I feel in some respects more dysphoric when wearing clothes because I notice the disparity in shape more.  In addition, I definitely am not comfortable going shirtless anywhere but PSG even though I probably could get away with it... even in my own household, when I'm around somebody who would be totally cool with it and who has definitely seen my breasts in-person before, I just can't do it, and the further away from PSG I get each year the more likely I am to do unhealthy things like hunch over and try terrible products designed to hide my chest.

So that's where I'm at now... it wasn't that I wasn't dysphoric, it was that the dysphoria was not the same as I expected it to be and that caused me not to recognize it as such.

Luckily, that will hopefully change soon.  I have updates.  Life comes at you fast.

So I mentioned I had a consult with a surgeon who indicated I would need a letter, and in fact my insurance is demanding a letter.  How do I know they are demanding a letter?  Well, the plastic surgery office jumped the gun and already submitted a prior authorization for surgery and then called me to state that I needed two letters from trans specialists to qualify.  I got the call literally ten minutes before I left for my first therapy appointment.

The two letters thing I'm fairly certain was a mistake, and I have a lengthy message on my phone from somebody at United Healthcare who didn't directly answer my question ("do I need one letter or two") and merely went through all the requirements, in which she definitely stated I needed only one letter, and that follows all the rest of their documentation as far as  I can see.  I called the plastic surgery office to inform them of it and we'll see how it goes.

How easy will it be to get a letter?  It turns out, extremely.  The therapist is writing one for me after one session and I don't need to go back unless I want to.  I explained that I did not get much out of pre-HRT therapy when I went on testosterone, but that I did get some value from post-HRT therapy and would be willing to call back if I need it post surgery.  She will be writing that in the next week or so and mailing a copy to me and one to the surgery office.  I had mentally budgeted for like three sessions which appears to be what most of my friends needed, so I'm relieved because costs are starting to... uh... mount up.  I'm surprised to get it after only one session, but also not terribly surprised because it's pretty easy to document how long I've been transitioning.

I've been slightly wavering regarding whether I want double-incision (which would not have nipple grafts) or inverted-T.  There's a particular type of inverted-T that is used for trans men and it's unclear to me if they know how to do that; I have seen their double-incision surgeries but also recently saw a really bad result of inverted-T on a trans guy that basically just looks like a reduction (not from my surgeon, but it convinced me that this is a surgery that really needs a trans specialist).  I think it would look fine on me now, but I still have a pipe dream of one day losing weight, and it won't look as good then.  It's also important to note that I have no erotic sensation in my nipples, so losing them and getting them reconstructed or tattooed later shouldn't be a big deal.  I've also seen his double-incision work on somebody with a body not unreasonably close to mine, and while I was scared of the appearance for a while, recent updates show it's looking better and better as it heals and I just need to remind myself that all surgeries look jacked up at first.

Finally, a co-worker accidentally opened up the conversation about leave with my boss for me.  He's going in for heart surgery soon and will be out for six weeks.  Somebody joked "remember team, only one surgery at a time!" to which I looked at my boss and said "Yeah, about that, I have something to tell you."  I went to his office and said I was going to have surgery requiring four weeks off but that I'd try scheduling it for about when the other co-worker came back.  It's a nice happenstance because he comes back at exactly the time I was planning on scheduling my own surgery (late enough to deal with insurance but early enough to have a stone's chance of going deer hunting in November).  Since I work somewhere we need to worry about coverage I was really worried about bringing it up, but it's all fine and my boss just told me to contact our disability insurance provider because they're the ones who set up leave ("Call right now! As soon as you leave the office!" he said, but we determined I should not call yet as I don't have a surgery date).

I also got the impression he might know what the surgery is for because he framed it as "I hope you are happier" rather than "I hope you get better," but I may just be reading too much into it; as somebody involved in hiring me I always assumed he had access to my background check and just didn't say anything.  But I guess that's irrelevant because I do a good job and people like me.

Anyway, that's my update for today.

Happy trails,
-- Jackson

Friday, June 1, 2018

Expression and Sex Drive Changes

I mentioned (perhaps multiple times) that I've been feeling a lot more masculine lately and preferring that kind of expression more than I did when I first went off testosterone.  I'm kind of piecing together that part of the journey a bit, because I went from actively trying to express myself in a fem manner only to gradually have that desire fade away... there are certain outlets I utilize for it, but even those I am in some respect losing interest in.

My running theory is that a part of it was the high of going off testosterone... I was nervous about going off T, as I wasn't sure if it was going to make me dysphoric again or not, and when it didn't, I got a rush from that and was reclaiming a lot of things that cis people had shamed out of me through pervasive "let's help him pass better" negging in my early twenties.

"God, going off of testosterone was great! What else could I reclaim? My Girl Scout camp clothing? Nail polish?  Earrings? Eyeliner?!"  I did learn a lot about myself during this, and it felt great to say "fuck that" to the way I was treated in my twenties, so no regrets, but most of the high is gone there and trying to reclaim them further (outside of masc versions of them) just doesn't bring me that high anymore.

One thing I've noted is that in many respects I feel and express myself the way I did pre-T but without the constant undermining of my identity by cis people.

I'm still very much genderqueer (I might talk about this in a different essay I've wanted to write for a long time and haven't gotten around to), but I definitely feel more "man first" than I did a year ago.  I crave being masculine and I crave men's spaces and other stuff like that.

Some other things that could be going on... it could be that my hormones are changing (either due to the ovarian problems I was having before or due to just natural changes) in such a way that it's affecting my expression, or I could just be fluid and on the masc side right now.  Only time will tell, I guess.

Something that dramatically changed in the last month or so?  My sex drive has increased quite a lot.  If you followed that part of this journey at all, you know that going off T my sex drive almost immediately tanked.  On testosterone I was extremely orgasm-centered but had a really hard time with it, I'd go numb extremely quickly and would bleed during sex, and to make matters worse I had to deal with needing increasingly weirder mental imagery to do it.  All that went away off T, so although my sex drive was almost nonexistent, sex was better due to some reversion in the way my body behaved.

Anyway, it's way higher now.  Not the level it was when I was on T by any means (and honestly, thank Gods for that) but I'm reverting to probably about where I was before T, so I have a lot of fantasies, my tastes expanded more, I overall get aroused more.

I really like where it is now, and I hope it stays this way.  Since it was consistently where I was pre-T, I'm optimistic about it.  I definitely don't want to go back to the oversexed bullshit I felt on T, but having a sex drive as low as it was before was also not ideal.

Anyway, that's your sex update for the moment.

Happy trails!
-- Jackson

Wednesday, May 30, 2018

The Basic Four Ritual Tools

Recently I wrapped up my run-down of the four basic ritual tools from a more queer perspective. These are all in their own playlist on my YouTube channel, but if you want to view them all without leaving... here they are!

No, Seriously, You Really Don't Need Dysphoria To Be Trans

Last night, in the heat of greasy-haired passion, I filmed and posted a video about dysphoria... specifically, a little bit of a historical takedown of why you don't need dysphoria to be a member of the transgender community.  I also expanded that a bit to explain why dysphoria purists (trans people who believe you must have dysphoria to consider yourself transgender) are actually borderline appropriative: That word wasn't coined for them and was actively rejected by them for years.

You can of course watch the video, but if you'd prefer to read it, I've provided the script I used below.  It's not verbatim but all the main ideas are there.


Here's the deal: lately I've been really concerned with... community drama I guess?  It's not something that I've really dealt with for a while, I've been kind of out of the community loop, so when I started getting back into the community to learn more about top surgery I learned things that I guess I was kind of sheltered from, having been living my life mostly either stealth or around other trans and queer people who are as out of the loop as I am... there are a couple of things people have been saying that have been particularly bothersome to me because they are very ahistoric, and the way they are ahistoric is really personally offensive to me for reasons that will be explained in the rest of this.  I knew these perspectives existed, but I didn't know they had become as widespread as they are, especially among teenage trans people who I honestly never expected this shit from.

There are two main topics I'll be talking about here.  The first is the idea that dysphoria is necessarily a prerequisite to being transgender.  The second is that "transgender" is not an umbrella.  A quick note that although I did some quick Googling to confirm what I already knew... a lot of this is from memory as somebody who started transitioning long enough ago that I actually was there for some of the major events that make these wrong.

Recently I saw a young trans person--a seventeen year old trans guy--who tweeted a statement that was basically "well no shit Sherlock, of course you need to have dysphoria to be trans, it's right in the diagnosis: 'Gender Dysphoria.'"  And I seriously flipped my shit over this, because it's such an ignorant n00b thing to say, because "Gender Dysphoria" as a diagnosis didn't become a thing until like 2012.  Since I went on hormones before that, I actually wasn't diagnosed with gender dysphoria at all... I was diagnosed with gender identity disorder.

And the thing that makes my jaw just drop over this is that part of the reason they switched this diagnosis from gender identity disorder to gender dysphoria was explicitly to acknowledge that simply being transgender is not a disorder and that not all transgender people have dysphoria.  They weren't saying that people must be dysphoric to be trans, they were literally saying the opposite: That the only trans people who need to be medicalized are the ones who have dysphoria, and that the dysphoria itself is the disorder, not the gender.

This is a quote from Jack Drescher, who literally was member of the committee responsible for making this change:
“All psychiatric diagnoses occur within a cultural context. We know there is a whole community of people out there who are not seeking medical attention and live between the two binary categories. We wanted to send the message that the therapist’s job isn’t to pathologize.”  End quote.

That's literal proof that using the diagnosis title of "gender dysphoria" as a weapon against non-dysphoric trans people is historically inaccurate.  I was there and Drescher's analysis here?  It's exactly what I remember.  There was no point during that change in which any of us thought it was to solidify dysphoria as a requirement for being transgender.

Another quote, this one from Dana Beyer who was working with the Washington Psychiatric Society:  “A right-winger can’t go out and say all trans people are mentally ill because if you are not dysphoric, that can’t be diagnosed from afar.  It no longer matters what your body looks like, what you want to do to it, all of that is irrelevant as far as the APA goes.”  End quote.

Basically, transgender people lobbied like hell to get the diagnosis changed because when folks my age were diagnosed, we were given a label that implied that our genders themselves were mental disorders.  The switch not only moved the focus on things that actually mattered, but it reinforced that non-dysphoric trans people--including certain nonbinary folks, binary trans folks who don't have dysphoria, and trans folks who have already sufficiently transitioned already--exist and are not disordered at all.

But here's where it gets doubly insulting:  The fact that truscum slash transmedicalists are even trying to claim the term "transgender" at all is borderline appropriation.

The word "transgender" was independently invented a couple of times... there was a time long ago when it primarily meant somebody who lived as the "opposite" gender full-time but who did not desire sex reassignment surgery, often people who still identified as their assigned sex but who were full-time crossdressers, think Angel Dumott Shunard from Rent and you get a good idea.  During this time period, trans medicalists would not have touched this word with a fucking ten foot pole, and yet they want to monopolize it now.

As an umbrella the word transgender became popular in the 1980s and 90s, popularized by folks like Leslie Feinberg.  It was an expansive umbrella... it included binary trans men and women but also pretty much anybody else who significantly strayed from their assigned sex.  When I came out and started navigating the trans community back in the early 2000s, the word "transgender" was an expansive umbrella.  When I used to educate local queer groups about the transgender umbrella I would flat out list as members not only trans men and trans women but genderqueer people, genderfuck people, bigender people, and even drag performers and crossdressers.  And the folks who we would now call truscum or transmedicalists?  They didn't want any part of it.  It wasn't that they thought they should be the one true transgender people... they didn't want to be called "trans" at all.  They were calling themselves absurd things like "sufferers of Harry Benjamin Syndrome," if they wanted to be called any variation of "trans," they were transsexuals and did not want to be called transgender.  Fun fact... the word "transsexual" wasn't only limited to binary dysphoric trans men and women at first, either.  But I digress, this is about the word "transgender."

This is why there's a level of appropriation here... this is an ideology that has been around for a while, but has spent *decades* trying to stay as far away from the word "transgender" as possible, only to suddenly try monopolizing it as soon as it's beneficial for them to do so?  And I get that a lot of these people are quite young and weren't around when these shifts were happening, but it doesn't take much to actually talk to trans people who are more experienced than you, and if you're going to make blanket statements like this that have the potential to incite harassment and possibly even ruin people's lives, I expect you to at least learn the history of the words you're trying to lay claim to.  And in this case, it just doesn't follow.  It makes no sense.  It's entirely ahistorical for truscum to call "transgender" theirs and theirs alone.

Finally, I want to talk about all of this as it is "in practice."  One of the problems with trans-medicalist ideology is that it's like a lot of bullshit ideologies... there are some ideas there that look good on the surface.  For instance, claiming that dysphoria is necessary to be transgender doesn't seem so ridiculous when you factor in that a lot of us think that we aren't dysphoric when we really are... if you want surgery or hormones, for instance, you're almost definitely experiencing dysphoria on some level otherwise you wouldn't do that.  But because of the way this argument is set up, truscum try to be the gatekeepers of what constitutes "dysphoria," too, and they tend to change that bar depending on whatever would exclude the person they're trying to invalidate at that time.

For instance, I was goaded into an argument with a couple truscum where I was basically begging them to acknowledge that I was a valid trans person because I had been dysphoric in the past--even though I wasn't dysphoric anymore at the time--and that if I hadn't gotten hormones I definitley would still be dysphoric.  But they didn't like my transition methods and so they changed their already-bullshit standards specifically to exclude me.  Plenty of people experience dysphoria that is relieved by a change in expression, name, and pronouns rather than hormones or surgery... this should count as transgender just fine, it's still dysphoria, and yet truscum often exclude these people.  There have even been some super insulting cases where people have insisted somebody wasn't truly trans for not going on hormones or getting surgery when the only reason they weren't doing those things was because of access issues and not desire.  This is infuriating as fuck.

I know that the likelihood of me converting any dipshit truscum over to my side is slim, but at the very least, if you're in the position where you don't feel dysphoria or--more likely--you don't feel dysphoria in the way some truscum believes you should, I hope you find this video so that you can rest assured that, yes, you are a valid trans person.  And coming from me that's a big thing... I am notoriously critical of the Tumblr culture that tries making every identity endlessly valid.  In this case, though, they are definitely the ahistorical ones.

Happy trails,

Saturday, May 26, 2018

The Too-Visible Man: Why Aydian Dowling Needs To Not Talk About Trans Male Invisibility Anymore

A note before you continue... there's a habit in the trans male community where we declare certain trans guys to be "goals" and the person I am talking about here is one of those trans men.   He generally speaking has done a lot of great things for the community... but this is not one of those things.  A warning that he uses some out-of-date language and says some really offensive things about trans women that I've quoted here.

A couple years ago I wrote for a different blog (that has since been deleted) a rebuttal to a terrible article.  I was reminded of that today as I was thinking about some of the toxic myths about trans men out there, and realized that this was a take I didn't want to withhold from the world.

The article in question is called "The Invisible Man: Why Have Trans Men Been Left Behind?"  It's written by Aydian Dowling, most famous for his attempt to get on the cover of Men's Health Magazine (regardless of the other stuff I'm going to say in this essay... he was totally robbed).  It's a choppy essay written in the opinion section of an NBC news page, and it is... well, it's just a pile of shit.  Whiny shit.

Why was I thinking about it?  Because every once in a while I stumble on a trans woman's bad take about trans men, and I immediately think about this article.  Whenever someone says trans men experience male privilege from birth, and I want to get really pissed off about it?  I think about Aydian Dowling's article.  Whenever somebody implies that trans men can just stick up a GoFundMe and fund a whole surgery in two days because people just ❤️love💛us💚so💙much💜?  I think about Aydian Dowling's article.  Whenever a trans woman on Twitter tweets out some under-nuanced garbage about trans men?  I think about Aydian Dowling's article.  Because I always want to remind myself that these beliefs about trans guys don't come from a vacuum.  They come from years of having to deal with people who say things like Aydian Dowling has in this article.

So let's go back... way back into time (OK, only like a decade and a half or so ago).  Things were kind of rough for trans guys.  There were resources for trans people "in general" but they were really just for trans women, sometimes with a token mention about trans men that was often wrong (once I read on one of these resources that trans men regularly get jaw implants, which is... wrong).  Trans men often had to reverse-engineer resources because almost everything was built for trans women.  Trans men have been transitioning for as long as trans women, but had never gotten the same amount of visibility.  When I first came out, even trans women largely did not know that female-to-male transition was "a thing."  Once, when I tried joining a support group, I was pushed out because the concept of a trans man was so off-the-wall to the members that they thought I was a chaser.

We called this "trans male invisibility."  One could argue that trans women's visibility was actually super shitty, but nonetheless, for us it was a really big issue that compromised our ability to get care, and we grew a very deep cultural complex around it.  We emphasized our transness to an extent that would be considered problematic today, calling ourselves "trannies" and carving out our own spaces to compensate for the lack of spaces accessible to us.

Soon after I came out, spurred on by YouTube and other social media, the trans male community started connecting and growing.  We built resources, we started getting more media attention, and eventually it got to the point where trans men were no longer so invisible.  In some spaces we are given way more attention than trans women, especially in some queer communities.  But here's the thing:  The idea that we are the red-headed stepchildren of the trans world is a really deep cultural idea that we haven't really been able to break that easily.  So you still have a lot of trans guys who are convinced that trans women get more attention than trans men, and that this is a bad thing.

Enter Dowling's article.  I'd really gone to bat for him during the Men's Health thing only to be just... incredibly disappointed to see this.  Because it is thoroughly terrible.  It's actually embarrassing.  It took me multiple tries to actually read the whole thing because having a trans man as prominent as Aydian Dowling write this, I knew there was going to be a big mess to clean up.

And it's not just one issue, either.  It's several.  If you choose not to actually click the article to read it... well, I've quoted some of the worst parts of it, which is pretty much all of it anyway.
I googled the word “transgender.” No "man" or "woman" after that -- simply “transgender.” Google Images pulled up 402 images on the first page of my search. I was scrolling, and scrolling, and scrolling until I realized something: All of the photos were transgender women.
I get that he's trying to get a narrative to this issue, but I can almost guarantee that this didn't actually happen.  This isn't something you do unless you're already trying to prove a point.  But I did the same thing and... my results varied based on search engine.  Shocker, right?

On my usual search engine (DuckDuckGo) these were my results:
  • Several pictures of Jazz Jennings, Laverne Cox, and Caitlyn Jenner.
  • Some cis male actors playing trans women. 
  • Some off-putting stock images representing "transgender" including a stock image of somebody wearing half a face of fem makeup and many copies of the same "celebrity woman with a beard" photoshop.
  • A picture of Aydian Dowling.
Using Google, my results were more mixed:
  • More pictures of Jazz Jennings, Laverne Cox, and Caitlyn Jenner.
  • A violent photograph of a trans woman who was permanently disfigured in an acid attack.
  •  Several "before and after" transition pictures, with about an equal number trans men and trans women.
  • More off-putting stock images.
  • A picture of "human Ken doll."
  • Some pictures of trans male top surgeries.
  • A picture of Buck Angel.
OK. So how about Bing? Exactly the same as DuckDuckGo.  Down to the order.

Oh, and did I mention a good number of the articles were actually transphobic hate pieces?  So people had written bullshit for Breitbart and a lot of transphobic clickbait and their go-to photographs were all of trans women.

So this "Google search to prove trans women get all the love" experiment proves pretty much nothing except that when people think "trans person I hate," their go-to is a trans woman.
In a time when the identity transgender is at the very beginning stages of recognition and understanding in the larger culture, we are still missing something. It seems the only household names in the transgender community are all transwomen.
Trans women have accumulated quite a few household names... but so have trans men.  Aydian Dowling himself is a household name because of that damn contest he was in; my cis relatives couldn't wait to bring him up while that was happening as a sign that they knew My Community.

Some other people that my cis relatives, friends, and co-workers have talked about?  Chaz Bono, Buck Angel, and Thomas Beatie.  Zeke Smith was outed on Survivor and it was a big to-do.

In addition, a lot of trans women become household names because people are being pricks about them.  How many people went as a five-o'clock-shadowed, crotch-bulge-having Caitlyn Jenner for Halloween?
It has been over a year that I have been asking myself the same question, and now my answer has slowly started to change. Why? Why do we not have more of a focus on transmen? Why are the majority of people being discussed in any story about the transgender experience transwomen?
I actually kind of want to know where the fuck Aydian Dowling has been these past several years, because again, trans men are not that invisible anymore when looking at positive, affirming media.  The only place you see trans women overrepresented compared to us is in bigoted media and jokes.  Trans men are "in" and we have been for years, to the point where trans women actually are reporting experiencing the same problems we did ten, fifteen years ago.  There are places today where there are support groups for trans men and not women, for instance.
To me, this seems like a new twist on a very old tradition: sexism. While this may seem complex, at the end of the day I believe it is really quite simple: Many people still see transgender women as men and transgender men as women -- from the time they are born until after they transition.

This statement is just a total dick move.  I can't even see a picture of Aydian Dowling without thinking that he sat down and in all serious wrote this.

Listen.  I really fucking hate the gaslighting bullshit that compels people to say that trans men experience male privilege from birth and other things that are pretty documentably untrue.  But this paragraph is a transmisogynistic garbage heap, and would be even if trans male invisibility were still as big an issue as Dowling thinks it is.

If this were true, trans women would be privileged above cis women because people would still see them as men.  We know this isn't true.  If it were true, trans women wouldn't dominate most of the negative press trans people get.  We know that isn't true, either.  If it were true, trans women wouldn't get murdered at astoundingly high rates (trans men do not compare at all).  We know that's not true.  None of this follows and was apparently just pulled out of his own ass.

It's also important to mention that Aydian Dowling in particular saying this really hurts the trans male community a lot, because he's not actually a typical trans guy.  Most of us aren't super buff, thin, or ultra-cis-passing.  Even on hormones a lot of us wind up with voices that don't pass well, or we have facial features that don't masculinize well enough for us to go stealth easily, or we wind up with scarring on our chests that is extremely conspicuous, or surgery results that are not cis passing (surgeries are often designed with buff trans guys in mind; some doctors don't even operate on fat trans men because they don't want to deal with trying to masculinize our shapes).

When trans women see people who are particularly privileged and have won the genetic and medical lottery (as Dowling is and has), it really feeds into this perception that trans men are a bunch of cis-passing white men whining that we don't get on TV as often as trans women.
There are many transmen today all around the world whose stories are not being told. Not being seen. That needs to change. As we have seen in North Carolina and across the country, brave transmen continue to take a stand on the ridiculous “bathroom bills” by putting themselves out there, like Michael Hughes, who began the #wejustneedtopee social media phenomena.
Funny he should mention Michael Hughes.  Hughes was actually intentionally leveraging his privilege as a stealth trans man attempting to be an ally to trans women.  He acknowledged the legislation was targeting trans women--not us--and that it barely affected him at all.

In addition, this campaign, well meaning though it was, was actually hurtful to a lot of people, including trans women and pre-T trans men who need to use the women's restroom for safety.
The reasons for this may well have its roots in a new kind of sexism, one where some (read: gender-conforming) transwomen are held up with a combination of awe and sensationalism (depending on the media outlet or coverage), and transmen bear a double-edged sword of newfound privilege that makes us somehow less “interesting” as individuals or maybe less able to be exploited. In a world where transwomen -- especially transwomen of color -- are the most targeted part of our LGBTQ population, and we really have no idea how many transmen are targeted for violence are discrimination, this is an important knot to unravel.
"We don't get enough publicity because people don't want to exploit us enough" is a hell of a take, sir.  But it's also wrong:  Gender-conforming, cis-passing trans men are held up with just as much awe and sensationalism, something Dowling should honestly have intimate experience with considering he's famous for being a hot trans guy.

It's also worth mentioning that when I hear the buzz around trans people who are famous for being hot, it's perfectly socially acceptable for cis people who are into men to say they'd totally fuck Aydian Dowling... it's not similarly acceptable for cis people who are into women to say they'd fuck a hot trans woman, and if they do it needs to be with a shield of confusion.

"I'd fuck this man because he's just that hot" is an entirely different attitude than "This person confuses my penis."
I don’t pretend to have all the answers but the conversation needs to happen.
There are zero answers here.

Aydian Dowling actually is right about trans men needing more visibility, but here's the problem:  He turns it into a battle against trans women.

Trans male visibility at the expense of trans women is not what we should be fighting for at all... trans women need all the positive visibility they can get, and the habit among some trans men to try horning our way into that is ridiculous.  What we need is to be fighting for visibility among other men.

Ironically, this is what Dowling himself is famous for--he was a high-profile contestant in a competition to be on an overwhelmingly cis-male-oriented magazine--so it's perplexing that he doesn't seem to understand that the visibility battle is not about trans women at all.

And if it were--it's not, but if it were--about who gets the press within our community, that's not something that should be decided among folks like Aydian Dowling.  I assume he gets harassment and bigoted bullshit just as we all do, but he's still the model trans person as far as cis people's perceptions are concerned--white, thin, traditionally attractive, almost fully cis-passing--and it's people like him who already get most of the positive attention at the expense of trans guys who don't fit that look.